Look, Benji. I'm a pretty girl.
I don't eat carbs, because I am carbs. Oops.
That's disgusting. I'm not eating the spaghetti now.
- Why? What's wrong with it? - Your hands are dirty.
People do surgery on open hearts with their bare hands,
and you're telling me I can't touch your pasta?
- They wear gloves. - No, they don't.
- Yeah, they do. - You can't put a glove
in an open human body.
Doctors go like "this" with the glove.
And then they go like "this" when it's time to go in.
No, that's how you lose a glove inside a body.
Take the glove off, hand it to your assistant, go in.
There are third world countries
that have doctors with gloves.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Girl Scout Cookies?
Thin Mints, you know it.
[KNOCKING]
Oh, thank God you're home. OK, I don't want to bother you,
I have to, um... I'm on a charity bike ride.
I hit a pothole a few miles back,
and it did a number on my descending colon.
Yeah, I get it. I've got IBS.
I try to avoid crotch-based exercises,
'cause my whole undercarriage is really sensitive, and it's just...
- Those bicycle seats. No one's friend. - OK. Cool.
Thanks for the advice, but I'm actually in a position
where I need to use your bathroom, and that's why I'm here.
Benji, don't forget the Thin Mints.
He's not a cookie salesman. Um... yeah.
There's a Starbucks at the bottom of the hill.
- No... - If you're going to Starbucks,
will you grab me a vegan eggnog latte?
- You don't have to. - It's seasonal.
No, I'm not gonna make it.
Please.
- Oh. OK. -Yes! OK, thank you so much. Hold my helmet.
- Thank you so much. - Yeah, it's just right up there.
- Yeah, I'm not worried. - There's a... yeah, I wouldn't... Oy.
- [PAUL] OK. - He was kinda hot.
Yeah, he's athletic, colon-forward, seems like a good guy.
Who just walked into my bathroom?
Um... my friend?
Your friend? Oh, you know what?
You only have one friend, OK? And I'm staring at her right now.
Dean, it was a shitting man on a bicycle.
I tried to stop Benji, I swear.
Why would you let a stranger into my house?
I... I... I don't know.
Is it 'cause you hate me?
You hate your brother? I'm your brother!
No, no, I don't hate... I love you.
I love you.
All right, well, that's very nice,
but do you know what the funny thing about loving someone is?
When you love somebody, especially somebody that feeds you
and houses you, you don't let a homeless man
come in and use your $8000 Japanese toilet.
Dean, I just want you to know that I have never used your bathroom,
and I have never masturbated in your bed
on Christmas while you were out of town.
That means you have. That means she has.
I tell her not to go in your room. She doesn't listen.
Right now, my toilet is blasting
some strange man's perineum with lavender water, OK?
God, I'm so grossed out right now. I am... honestly?
I am grossed out by everybody that you bring into this house.
I think you're overreacting. I was just being nice.
You're not nice, dude. You're just too beta to say "no" to a stranger.
I mean, beta's not bad. That's number two. That's a silver medal.
You know what? You're not even a beta. You know what you are?
You're a cuck. That's what it goes. A-B-C. Alpha, Beta, Cuck.
I am not a cuck.
- Yes, you are a cuck. - I can't be a cuck.
- I don't have a wife. - Technicalities.
OK, look, some people might be cucks. Some people might be alphas.
We have to celebrate diversity.
[SIGHS] Thanks, dude. Totally.
That toilet is a real trip to Thailand.
Thanks for holdin' that. Hey, uh, Paul.
How's it... uh...
Didn't he seem nice?
- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 - - www.addic7ed.com -
You're like a koala goin' at a eucalyptus tree
like it ain't no thing.
Is it weird that I like to watch you eat?
You're so still, but... violent.
It's not weird at all.
A lot of people like to watch me eat.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Like who? - Can't tell.
You can't tell? I'm pretty sure
I'm the only one in this demo.
All right, Benji.
I didn't want to have to do this, but you've backed me into a corner.
I have a deep, dark secret.
Hey, guys! It's the Esther Bunny!
It's Easter, so you know what that means.
It's time to watch me put 30 marshmallow bunnies in my mouth.
Online eating videos were my creative outlet when I first moved to L. A.
You have 100,000 views.
Things took off really fast.
I kinda got overwhelmed, and I decided to walk away.
- [ESTHER MUMBLING] -Plus, I dropped my webcam in fondue.
Hey, guys, bring 'er in right here.
Toilet goes right around the corner in there.
And, uh, if you guys need to go to the bathroom,
just make sure to go all over my brother's bed,
because he's too nice to say "no" to strangers. OK.
You're gonna get a new toilet? You don't even know what that guy did
in your bathroom. He coulda hovered.
It was a Tempur-Pedic seat, so nobody was hovering.
Oh, uh, by the way,
could you wait on putting the word out
to the meth community about my new toilet?
I want to wait till it's completely installed.
OK. OK.
What a drama queen.
- You messed up. - [COMPUTER BEEPING]
Speaking of which, what just happened here?
Oh, those are like these little piggy snouts
that people give you when they like you.
- Piggy snouts? - Yeah, it's like
a fun digital currency, like... [OINKS]
"Good job, piggy."
Esther, that's a "B." That's bitcoin.
Oh. It's not a sideways piggy snout?
That probably wasn't worth much back then,
but I think you have, I don't know, like, 16 grand there?
A-wha...?
I'm... I'm rich?
I wouldn't say "rich." You maybe have enough
- (MOUTHING) Thank you. - to buy a used Civic
that can't pass inspections.
I always thought that I was gonna have to
smother an old man to death to get that kinda money.
- [COMPUTER BEEPING] - Ah!
[ESTHER] So, now that I'm rich,
things are gonna be different between us, and that's OK.
I know what you're thinking. Esther is gonna be one of those crazy people
who spends her fortune building a replica of Graceland.
But no. Because last night, I watched a Warren "Buffet" documentary,
and I have decided that I'm going to be smart with my money.
It's Warren "Buffett."
Well, anyway, my one splurge will be this premium family dining experience
with my three closest friends, Benji, Jeff, and Tara,
who was in my acting class once, six years ago.
- Hey, girl. - Hey, girl.
- Hi, Tara. - I almost didn't come.
Usually when someone invites me to dinner from acting class,
it's a Scientology thing.
Wait, is this a Scientology thing?
I mean, no judgment, uh... but it's not, right?
I'm so glad you're here.
[WAITRESS] Two specials.
- The ribeye and the pasta di mare. - Ooh!
Hey, man, I thought you hated shrimp?
No, I love shrimp. You just gotta... break its legs
and take its pants off, wipe its ass before you eat it.
It's just a 10-minute commitment in every bite.
Did I make a mistake? I can take it back.
No, no! No, this is great.
- Thanks. Yeah. - OK.
Benji, this is what Dean was talking about.
(SING-SONG) You let people walk all over you,
and now I'm singing a song about it.
Fancy toilet. (SINGING) Shrimp pasta!
You do stuff like this a lot. It's almost like...
like you get off on being weak.
You know, isn't there, like, a German word for that?
Oh, he's a cuck. Textbook cuck.
[LAUGHS]
Really, Tara? I take middle booth, and this is how you do me?
You are.
Stop sassing me, we just met! Just be nice!
- I am nice. -Why don't you feed me a compliment,
and then we can move forward?
The booth you're sitting on is nice.
That's about the booth.
[JEFF] I just wanna warn you,
there is a dark side to sudden windfalls, you know.
My uncle once won a year's supply of pizza, and it ruined his life.
Jeffrey, this is not a pizza prize, OK?
This is a gift to me, for me, by me, from me.
And I'm - that's me - not gonna mess this up.
Wait, where did you say there was pizza?
- I didn't. - Oh! Over here.
Daddy's got it. But this is it.
Don't ask me for more later, OK? I have been more than generous.
I'll be paying with bitcoin.
[SIGHS] Sorry, I'm new to this tax bracket.
Things are happening really fast for me.
[WAITRESS] I'll give you some more time.
You think they take bitcoin here? They serve ravioli nachos.
Silence. Trying to liquidate my holdings. Thanks.
You don't know how to use bitcoin, do ya, Daddy?
It's all right.
I actually read Satoshi Nakamoto's
original white paper on blockchain. Shoot.
Um, I understand what you're saying, but I think you're confusing Tara.
Um, well, aside from the fact that your charging port
is filled with... what is that? Corn chips?
To dry it out. I dropped it in the toilet, and I didn't have any rice.
All of your money is in your,
uh, bitcoin wallet. You just have to enter your password.
Oh. Well, I don't know any of my passwords,
so just say I forgot, and get a recovery e-mail.
I'm not touchin' that, and that is not how crypto works, OK?
No password, no bitcoin.
Uh... um...
Benji, did you, by chance, bring your grandma's credit card?
If I had my grandma's credit card, I wouldn't eat at a dump like this.
Who ordered a Sprite?
I was thirsty.
[SIGHS] "Honey Boo Boo," all lowercase?
- [COMPUTER BEEPS] - No.
"Mama June," all caps.
- [COMPUTER BEEPS] - No.
"Mama June skinny now," all one word.
Mama June wasn't skinny yet in 2012.
- [COMPUTER BEEPS] - And no.
- [ESTHER SIGHS] - Esther, I don't know,
maybe just let this money go, you know?
After the initial rush, it's really just people
coming out of the woodwork asking for pizza.
I can't let it go, OK? I lied! I was gonna build a Graceland replica.
Can't escape who I am. Sorry, guys.
We just need to think like it's 2012.
[ESTHER] Here it is.
Every year, I catalogue my most treasured memories.
Life happens in moments. I don't know if you knew that.
[BENJI] Ooh, 2012.
I had the hugest crush on Walter White's wife.
She was so disappointed and maternal. It was so hot.
All the Dairy Queen coupons I used that year!
You know, in case I ever get audited.
My Whitney Houston commemorative death plate.
- I knew this was a good buy. - Is this like micro-hoarding?
I mean, you have it organized, but it still seems like it's dangerous.
[GASPS] This is it.
I feel like we all just blew past
Whitney Houston death plate?
Benji, do you remember Jason?
I was with him when I made those videos.
Fat guys have the best smiles, man, you ever notice that?
[ESTHER] He was my first L. A. Boyfriend.
He taught me about smog checks.
He was not sweet.
He was hostile, he was a dickhead,
and he had this neck sweat problem, it was disgusting.
Well, he just didn't like you. He thought we were hooking up.
Oh, that's understandable. You guys share a toothbrush.
I just realized that I didn't have my own laptop in 2012,
and I made all those videos on Jason's.
And I wrote the password down at his apartment
somewhere I knew he would never throw it away.
On the back of the last photo he took with his me-maw
the day before she died.
What's a me-maw?
Oh. She's saying she wrote the password
- on a picture of his dead grandmother. - Oh! That adds up.
Well, you can't just write passwords
on scrap paper, 'cause then robbers will find them
when they go through your trash. I'm not gonna just call him.
This requires strategy.
Fortunately, I have this.
It's Jason's favorite t-shirt.
You kept a smelly t-shirt from six years ago?
This'll get me in the door.
We'll reminisce, talk about the good old days,
and then, when the time is right, I'll ask for the password.
I don't think he's gonna want an old, smelly t-shirt back.
I would have a backup plan.
Then I'll just fake a coughing spasm and ask for a Mountain Dew,
steal the photo, and run.
Dean, don't... don't talk to them. I don't know what's going on here,
but he's got Chris Brown's lawyers.
So whatever's going on here, whatever you're trying to do,
it's not gonna happen.
This your beta brother who let in the perp?
Yeah, obviously.
Dude, the guy that you let in wasn't a cyclist, OK?
He came in and cased the joint. Dude, he robbed us.
He robbed me, man. I can't believe you and I
came out of the same sack of balls. Idiot.
I mean, I'm younger than you, so I'm made out of an older batch.
A batch of what?
- Of Dad. - Ew!
You brought up the balls! I'm just saying that Dad's...
Guy's been active in the neighborhood.
Asks to use the bathroom, then comes back and rips you off.
We call him "the shit bandit."
Shit bandit? That goes on official police documents?
We put an asterisk where the "i" is.
Dude, they stole so many things, man.
They stole my upstairs TV, they stole my downstairs TV,
they stole my Rolexes, they stole... [MUMBLES]
They took four Rolexes.
And it... [GROANS]
They stole my zebra Yeezy's.
- No! - Yeah. They took my Yeezy's.
Aw, bud. I'm so sorry.
- What? It's OK. - Come on.
- What are you doing? No, man. - I'm consoling you.
No, I don't want to be consoled by you.
I think it's fair to say that I was just trying to be nice.
You're not a nice guy, man! OK? It's not that you're nice.
It's that you're afraid of confrontation,
and somehow, I got screwed here.
I mean, maybe I got screwed. I didn't go in my room yet.
He might've taken something from me, too.
Yeah, they stole your Target bedsheets.
- Come on, man. - No.
[SIGHS] I'm sorry!
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
[JEFF] What's up, B?
Whoa, what's up with all those cops?
What, is an ethnic man innocently jogging through your neighborhood?
No, I... I got my brother's house robbed
by someone who took advantage of my colon empathy.
All right, well, anyway, listen.
I'm calling because I'm worried about Esther.
I don't think she should go over to see her ex by herself.
She's not answering my calls, and you said he was hostile.
I wouldn't say he's hostile. I'd say that he's just
super selective about being calm.
Hey. So you got your brother's place robbed,
now your friend's about to go get murdered confronting an angry ex?
She's tough. She can handle it.
She has plastic cutlery on her at all times.
Go help your friend, asshole.
OK, so I'm gonna die. I need you to take care of all my fish.
Especially Gaucho. He's the orange clown and needs a lot of one-on-one.
I don't want your fish. Goucho gon' die too.
[PHONE BEEPS]
Hey, if you die, I'll take your fish.
[KNOCKING]
Jason?
Esther?
Um...
I wanted to bring you back your favorite t-shirt.
It's an XXXL.
Wow, Jason. You look really...
I've lost 102 pounds.
That is a whole Esther.
You know, I thought you were the one.
But then, when you dumped me,
I went and I rebuilt myself. Brick by brick. Lat by lat.
Um... I don't suppose you want this?
[SCOFFS] Yeah, you know what, actually, I will take that.
Huh. Follow me.
This, Esther, is my "Never Again" wall.
It reminds me of the past that I'm never going back to.
OK, I'll just sit on this bench-thing.
And this - this is my Wall of Achievement.
CrossFit has taught me to pull myself up
even when someone's trying to drag me down.
Oh, my God, you are so dramatic.
I never tried to drag you down.
No! It's literally an exercise
where you try to pull yourself up
while other people try to drag you down.
Oh.
So, um... wait, whatever happened to
that sweet photo of you and your me-maw that used to be right there?
- What? -The one you took right before she died.
I don't know. I put it in my guest room. Why are you even here, Esther?
What, did your boyfriend Benji finally break up with you?
I told you! Benji was never my boyfriend, OK?
He's like those oatmeal packets that are always
in your kitchen, but you never really want them.
- Well, then, what do you want, Esther? - I want...
Because whatever it is,
get ready to hear "no," OK?
I've learned to set boundaries.
Well, what if I told you that I'm here for you, Jason?
- What? -I can't stop thinking about us.
You were so heavy and comforting,
like those thunder vests that keep small dogs calm in the rain.
- I was? - Yeah.
And I understand if you feel like you can't trust me anymore.
Oh, God, you're the 102 pounds that I really miss.
Maybe we should take this into the guest bedroom.
[KNOCKING]
[JASON] Benji?
Jason?
You look great. You have Thor arms.
- What are you doing here? - [ESTHER] Benji?
See? I knew you guys were together.
We're not together. I actually work for the census.
[JASON] Get back here! First you steal my girl,
and then you come here to rub it in my face?
OK, wait a second, guys. I'm feeling objectified here,
and I don't hate it. I am just pointing it out.
All right, you crossed the line, dude.
- Mistakes happen. - Why did you come here?
I was worried about you, and I was just trying to confront him?
- Then why are you in reverse? - Well, you know, plans change.
- Get out of the car, dude. - Is this permit parking? Do I need a permit?
- Stop the car! - [BRAKES SQUEAL]
So, wait... You put me through all this
because you wrote a password on the last remaining photo of my me-maw?
On the back! And Jason, look at me.
I like you. I also need that password,
but hey - you're skinny now, I'm rich now. This could work.
No, it can't work, OK? Because he's your boyfriend!
He is not my boyfriend! He is a hamster!
He is worse than a hamster to me, actually,
because if a hamster could give consent,
I would totally make out with one.
I'm not her boyfriend, but that thing
- about needing hamster consent's a lie. - See? You guys are razzing each other.
You're busting each other's chops. You even sound like a couple.
What if I kiss you right now? Then will you believe that we're not a couple?
OK, fine. But he has to watch. Then I'll know for sure.
- Um, that's pretty weird. - Fine. That's a good idea.
- I don't think it's a good idea. - Fine.
Then you'll give me the password?
- Yeah. - Let's do this.
And, so what, I just sit here while you re-learn what her breath is like?
Is that what we're doing?
OK. [SIGHS]
A person with dignity probably would've left by now, but uh...
I think it's pretty clear by today's events
that I'm not a person with dignity.
Can't even return shrimp to a waiter who brings me shrimp
when I didn't want it. Didn't order it.
You know who does shrimp right? The Cheesecake Factory.
They remove the tails for you. You know? And they put in chicken and shrimp.
Some places won't combine chicken and shrimp,
and that's the protein I'm looking for.
- [LIGHT MOANING] - Fun animal fact:
Flamingos are actually gray when they're born,
so a baby flamingo is gray, and then they turn pink eventually
from all the shrimp they eat.
- I wonder if they have issues with the tail... -OK, fine!
You guys aren't a couple. Go get your password.
- That was fun! - [SIGHS]
You a shrimp guy, or no?
God!
She kept trying to tell me you guys weren't a couple,
but I just didn't believe her. I'm so stupid!
Esther's the best thing that's ever happened to me,
you know, and I blew it.
Esther's the best thing that ever happened to you? Come on, man.
You used to have a microwave in your bathroom.
Losing her's the best thing that ever happened to you.
You know, I've never been nice to you, ever,
and now you're being nice to me? You don't have to do this.
I do. I'm the beta cuck pushover. This is what we do.
No, you're not. You're an empath.
You know who else is an empath? The Rock.
- Hm. -He says that his biggest muscle
is his heart. Yeah, his heart.
- I like that. - I got the password!
That was a good system after all.
- So, what what it? - "Kobe Shack."
Huh. You don't like basketball. "Kobe Shaq"?
Oh, it's an all-you-can-eat Japanese beef place I used to go to.
- OK, let me just cash out. - [COMPUTER DINGS]
And Jason, as soon as I cash out,
you and me can go finish what we started
and maybe even roll around naked in a bed full of fives.
[COMPUTER BUZZES]
What, am I reading this wrong? What...
Why does it say I have zero bitcoins?
It says you spent all the money in 2012
when it was only worth 25 bucks at JumboBoyTees.com?
Oh, yeah. You told me to buy myself something special for my birthday.
It's all gone? I'm not rich?
Breath. OK. I'm not upset.
I'm not even surprised.
I am just going to take this camo t-shirt
that you squandered my fortune on,
and I will be on my way.
And just so you know, statistically speaking,
you're gonna put the weight back on.
And if that happens, you have my number.
I feel bad for you, man. I kinda feel bad for her, too.
- [DOOR CLOSES] -Oh, my God. I'm empath-ing so hard right now.
Good tidings to all!
It's me, Esther Claus.
And today is the seventh day of our 12 Days of Christmas.
And you know what that means. It's figgy pudding day!
♪ Deck the halls with figgy pudding ♪ ♪ Figgy figgy fig Fig fig fig ♪
Just sing the regular figgy pudding song.
What's with the rendition on everything?
Did someone call for a pretty girl in a $16,000 dress?
You look like the girl they fly in
for a low-budget USO show.
When is Dean letting us back in his house?
I don't know. I think it might be a while.
He's really mad about me getting his house robbed.
He said I can go back in three UFC events. That's how he measures time.
How long is that?
I don't know. I'm not a UFC guy.
I feel bad watching people get hurt.
[SIGHS]
Tomorrow, I'm gonna be doing
an ASMR video with my asthma inhaler.
I think your later work is kind of overproduced.
- Oh! You don't think I still got it? - No, I... I think you still got it.
I just prefer the early stuff.
Like, I'd still go to a Bob Seger concert,
but I'd rather go to a Bob Seger concert in the '80s.
Good to know.
Then I guess you don't want to see
what I'm about to do with this peanut butter bagel?
I... I mean, if you're hungry, eat.
- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 - - www.addic7ed.com -